Ranking the NFL's best Johnsons

Earlier this week I glanced to my left and noticed Drew Fairservice, our weaver of baseball prose, was piecing together what was surely the most important (and biblical) piece of digital literature written on Tuesday June 10, 2014: the definitive rankings of active baseball players named Jose.

We’re nothing without synergy here, so my mental wheels started churning, wondering what name in football’s great history deserves a similar honor. Then as I thought of poor Dick Johnson -- who caught only two balls -- the answer was clear: we must bow at the feet of the NFL’s best Johnsons.

From the soulful Jack Johnson, to the presumably grizzled Rufus Johnson, there are many lesser known Johnsons that didn’t receive our loving embrace. Then there are these nine Johnsons, ranging from future hall of famers, to now washed up runners.

9. Larry Johnson

Now and forever cited as a poster boy for why giving a running back 400 or more carries in a season is usually a bad idea, LJ was ask to run into a brick wall 416 times in 2006. The result was astronomical: 1,789 rushing yards, which still places the former Chief at a pretty damn respectable 21st on the all-time single-season list. Increasing the incredible, it was also his second straight +1700 yard season. Then he crumbled both mentally and physically, and didn’t have another season above 900 yards before fading from the league in 2011.

He also had a problem with diapers, or something.

8. Pepper Johnson

A second-round pick and a proud owner of five Super Bowl rings between his time with the Giants as a player and with the Patriots as a coach, the man you know as Pepper had four seasons with over 100 tackles, along with 25.5 career sacks, 14 interceptions, and 12 forced fumbles.

He spent 13 years as a position coach in New England -- bouncing between the linebackers and defensive line -- before joining the Bills to be their D-line coach earlier this year. He was also once referenced in a Seinfeld episode, which forever makes Pepper a sacred god among sportswriters.

7. Jimmy Johnson

Great, glistening hair. These Johnsons and their hair (Rob Johnson couldn’t play quarterback, but he had some pretty dreamy locks).

You know about this Johnson’s time at the helm of the Cowboys during their early ‘90s dominance that included back-to-back championships. You know prior to that he did similarly amazing things with the Miami Hurricanes while coaching a team which was a little, um, boisterous. You also know Jimmy Johnson is one of only three football coaches to win a championship at both the college and professional levels.

But my favorite Jimmy life event: at the age of 66 he willingly put himself on an island with a bunch of strangers, and he lasted eight days.

6. Keyshawn Johnson

This Johnson is forceful and selfish. We know this because he co-wrote his own life story, and actually called it “Just Give Me The Damn Ball” (now available for a cool $25.50).

While he had a fine career (four seasons over 1,000 receiving yards, and 64 total touchdowns) and was part of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Super Bowl winning team in 2003, Keyshawn is mostly remembered for being a turd. His relationship with Bucs head coach Jon Gruden quickly deteriorated, and he was deactivated for the final seven games in the season following that championship year.

He was the original diva Johnson, before that other fella formerly known as Ochocinco.

5. Chad Johnson

This Johnson just can’t let go. In his prime Chad had about three steps on everyone, compiling four seasons with over 1,300 yards in Cincinnati. But a fast Johnson doesn’t last forever, and the end came quickly. Or at least the NFL end.

He had only 15 catches in 2011 for a Patriots team that advanced to the Super Bowl. After a quick flameout with the Dolphins, Chad now finds himself in the CFL, where he’s grown fond of Canadian kindness and he’s forever searching for a McDonalds.

4. Rudi Johnson

Between 2004 and 2006 this Johnson bounced around a lot, pinballing between tacklers for the Bengals to average 1,407 rushing yards over the three seasons, while scoring 12 times each year.

3. Chris Johnson

The problem with this Johnson certainly isn’t speed. No, it’s the gradual wear from overuse.

Or at least that could be the problem, as this Johnson is also pretty indecisive. The man once known as CJ2K earned that moniker by rushing for 2,006 yards in just his second season, setting a record with 2,509 total yards from scrimmage. But then his production declined sharply, especially this past season -- his final one in Tennessee -- when he finished with a career low 3.9 yards per carry.

A tendency to bounce in the backfield and wait for the home run hole is mostly to blame, but the natural abuse that a 28-year-old running back has faced with 2,014 career touches isn’t helping.

2. Andre Johnson

It’s as if this Johnson is getting better with age. Whereas with many wide receivers there’s an abrupt decline in the early part of their third decade on this Earth, Andre Johnson has posted 221 catches and 3,005 receiving yards over only the past two years.

1. Calvin Johnson

A large Johnson at 6’5” and weighing 239 pounds, here’s all Megatron has done since 2011: set the single-season record with 1,964 receiving yards, average 1,712 yards per season, and catch 302 balls.