The Do's and Don'ts of celebrating in the NFL

The NFL has cracked down on excessive celebrations and it's about time. Over the past few weeks we've seen a disgusting increase in the gyrating of hips, fake arrows being shot into the air from fake bows, and other rude and hurtful gestures.

So for some clarity, let's take a dive into the old NFL rule book to determine what you can and can't do as an adult in the NFL in 2016:

The Do's

Dancing

You can dance! We're not here to tell you that dancing is illegal. What is this, "Footloose"? You can definitely dance. No, no, no no, no, we would never tell you not to dance. What we need, though, is to ensure the dancing is done appropriately and, most importantly, alone. As we all know, dancing is always best done without the accompaniment of other humans.

Some approved dances:

• The Charleston
• The Mashed Potato (as long as potatoes are not violently mashed)
• The Modified Charleston
• The Stanky Leg (within the fair margins of reasonable stank protocol)
• Any dance Kevin James does in the movie "Hitch"
• The "can-can" but only if proven you can in fact can-can

Now, let's say you want to make up your own dance. No problem. All individually sourced dancing must be preapproved by at least two separate NFL employees on different days of the week to ensure minimum sexual arousal. Note: Jerry "Loose Hips" Majerusson is exempt from approving dances due to past ... indiscretions. You know what you did, Jerry!

Punishment for dancing infractions is steep but fair. First offense will be a flag, second offense will be a fine, and third offense will be a round of league-enforced libido-reducing medication.

America-First behavior

Don't ever be afraid to show your support for the troops. You can salute, or place your hand over your heart, or point to the American flag, or give the constitution a big ol' thumbs up! Hey, it might be fun to recite the pledge of allegiance. Who knows. But, this is your space and you are free to do as you please as long as it furthers the nationalist motivations of this great country.

Gentlemanly acts

The best celebrations are almost always the simplest celebrations. Handing the ball to the referee (in a non-sexually suggestive manner) may not get you the kind of attention a sexy-as-hell dance might, but it will earn you respect in the vaunted 65-and-over white-male-former-football-coach demographic.

So think about that.

Also acceptable:

• You may do a festive bow to the crowd (bow may only be festive within acknowledged festive seasons)
• You may hold an imaginary door open for the referee. That might be fun.
• You may pretend to politely argue over the check at dinner with a dear friend, saying "I got this. I got this. I'm paying. You paid last time."
• You may doff your cap to the our lady viewership, if you must, but your helmet must stay on at all times and the cap must obviously be imaginary. If it is determined the imaginary cap you tipped was not an NFL-approved brand, you will be subject to a heavy fine.

The Don'ts

How do we put this in terms the millennial generation will understand ... well, basically the rules are simple: no mularkey (exception for Tennessee Titans head coach Mike Mularkey, who is allowed some mularkey.)

Showing support for social issues through your attire or style is strictly prohibited if it conflicts with the business interests of the league.

Furthermore, any non-league-sanctioned charitable act will be heavily penalized. You will not raise awareness for any cause the NFL has not sufficiently vetted and wet our beaks with. The league office is all for charity, but come on guys, we need to get a little taste.

Here are some further parameters:

Violence

Violent gestures such as throat-slashing, gun-shooting, eye-poking, simulated rope burns, the thing where one guy bends down behind another guy and a third guy pushes the standing guy over, and any act depicting killing someone with anything other than kindness is categorically forbidden.

Simulated violence has no place on an NFL football field.

Choreography

This one is simple: There will be no choreographed acts of joy in this league.

What are you guys, Bob Fosse?

Prop acts

This is actually just in here because as we all know prop acts are unanimously terrible. We at the NFL have a high standard of comedy and to see our players utilizing a crutch in their artistic vision is quite frankly unconscionable.

Last year's league Christmas party was a group outing to a Carrot Top show and my god, it was terrible. Some of the folks liked it - Goodell loved it - but we convinced him it was bad afterward by telling him Carrot Top was a known communist.

Gentlemen, the ball is not a prop. It is a football. A family of pigs was slaughtered so we could enjoy our Sundays. A herd of elephants was poached to provide the ivory stitching. The dimples were cosmetically extracted from John Travolta's chin. Show some respect.

We know it when we see it

Finally, it's important to remember the league is not some evil collection of sycophantic drones, hell-bent on stifling your creativity by limiting your ability to demonstrate the joy you feel after being successful in one of the world's most dangerous and difficult sports.

No, the league office is an omniscient force that knows what you're doing even before you know you're doing it. We have your best interests in mind. We don't want to replace all of you with athletic robots, so please, keep the celebrations within the confines of good taste.