Grading John Tortorella's latest rant compared to his career bests

Everybody loves a good John Tortorella rant.

The NHL's most brazen head coach was at it again on after his Columbus Blue Jackets were blanked by the rival Pittsburgh Penguins on Thursday night, insisting it was impossible for him to describe how poorly his team performed in the defeat.

For the standard-bearer of must-listen postgame press conferences, the 61-year-old's latest diatribe was, relatively speaking, pretty tame. Take a look:

Not his best, right?

Tortorella has noticeably mellowed over the years, but the hockey world still pays attention in hopes of a spark. We're going to grade his latest performance and then hand out some marks for the past outbursts that cemented his reputation as one of the NHL's greatest providers of sound bites.

'I don't have any words' - December 2019

Well, John, we wish you did. Your players have now lost five out of six - give them the gears! You can hear the utter disappointment in his voice, which carries significant weight in our evaluation, but the audience wants to see some of the fire that made him famous. Perhaps he saved it for the dressing room.

Grade: C+

'We sucked from head to toe' - October 2011

Now we're talking.

Tortorella had some beauties during his tenure with the New York Rangers, and this one was short, sweet, and scathing. "Sucked from head to toe" is by no means a common expression and the creativity deserves credit, especially when directed at a Rangers team that went on to win 51 games that year. Did this speech ultimately galvanize the club en route to a 109-point season? We're not saying it did, but we're not saying it didn't.

Grade: A-

'A major-league fine' - September 2013

Few things irk Torts like a phone ringing during one of his press conferences. He made it clear that he disliked it in New York, and he calmly threatened to walk out of the room when it happened again in Vancouver. "Major-league fine" wasn't overly insulting, yet it effectively set the tone. A rock-solid balance and even better delivery.

Grade: B+

'I'm not Mike' - April 2014

The coach took it well, but God bless the soul of the reporter that addressed Torts as "Mike." We wouldn't wish the combination of fear and embarrassment in that moment upon our worst enemies.

Grade: A

'Their 2 whining stars' - April 2012

Buckle up, we've reached vintage Torts.

After Brooks Orpik drilled Derek Stepan with a knee-on-knee hit, Tortorella didn't hold back. He lambasted the Penguins organization for its arrogance and called Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin whiners while he was at it. An absolute all-timer.

Grade: A+

'Joe hasn't won a goddamn thing in this league' - November 2011

After Joe Thornton declared Tortorella's Rangers were "soft," Torts said Jumbo Joe needed to shut up, then roasted the veteran for not winning anything. Even though Thornton has an MVP, a scoring title, and an Olympic gold medal on his resume, he doesn't have a ring to match the one the coach earned in 2004, as Tortorella made abundantly clear.

A player-versus-coach feud will always get rave reviews, particularly when it features two of the NHL's best personalities. This one didn't disappoint.

Grade: A

'Shut your yap' - May 2004

As Torts guided the Lightning's Cup run in 2004, he verbally eviscerated Ken Hitchcock after the then-Flyers coach allegedly mouthed off to a Tampa Bay player during the Eastern Conference Final. One of Tortorella's signature tirades, this helped build his reputation as the most fiery coach of the modern era.

We're also going to dish out some bonus points for Torts' scorching usage of "yap." High-quality stuff.

Grade: A+

'Brooksie' - April 2007

Warning: Video contains coarse language

The pinnacle.

New York Post reporter Larry Brooks was the victim of Tortorella's most famous rant, and it hasn't lost its luster after a dozen years. It simply doesn't get more Torts than this.

Grade: A+++