Short sleeves and gloves: A definitive list of who can pull it off
There's a very real chance the first thing you heard this morning on your way out of the house was the soothing, magical sound of birds chirping. It's a beautiful noise that indicates Old Man Winter's months of torture are mercifully coming to an end.
Could you see your breath this morning as you waltzed down the street, soaking in the sunshine? Didn't think so.
Spring is in the air, friends.
The warm air brings with it the knowledge the European soccer schedule is rampaging towards its exciting conclusion. League titles to be won, European champions to be crowned and vital goals to be scored.
There is, however, one more important thing signified by the changing of the season: short sleeves and gloves disappear. The most pointless of wardrobe choices, this nonsensical look plagues football every winter, turning our favorite players into lightning rods for criticism.
Why do Football players wear short sleeve tops and gloves? WHY?! what is that all about? They should be sent off for that #notevenjoking
— Asim Ghaffar (@asimghaffar6) March 3, 2015
As far as I'm concerned if you wear short sleeves and gloves you deserve to lose every game of football you play
— Brian McNaney (@Macco4) January 28, 2015
Ladies and Gentlemen - the most stupid look in football - short sleeves and gloves.
— You Are My Arsenal (@YouAreMyArsenal) December 28, 2014
Nobody should ever be allowed on a football pitch wearing short sleeves and gloves.
— Michael Northcott (@mnorthforce) December 8, 2014
That last one raises an interesting point, though.
Surely, some players can pull it off. Special talents get special privileges. After all, Mesut Ozil is so wonderful Arsenal let him stand around on the pitch and not run at all.
So, here's a definitive - and short - list of players who are allowed to don the oxymoron that is short sleeves and gloves. All other violators will be prosecuted.
Sergio Aguero
Anyone who has 23 goals in 32 appearances in all competitions can wear whatever they damn well please - and anybody who objects to the attire deserves to be laughed at and publicly shamed.
Paul Pogba
Paul Pogba is a human highlight reel who also happens to be in the midst of an ascension to the throne as the world's best midfielder. For proof, see here. And here. Or maybe here. Here too. One more. You get the point.
Diego Costa
Only a special kind of person can announce to the world that they don't understand the concept of staying warm. Diego Costa is certainly special, though we're still not sure if we mean that as a compliment.
Diego Costa is a magnificent dickhead
— Jack Lang (@jacklang) March 11, 2015
Mario Mandzukic
Fantastic player. Serial flopper. Mario Mandzukic fits the bill perfectly.
Yannick Bolasie
For stealing the dignity of another human being on the pitch, stomping on it, throwing it into the trash and then setting the bin ablaze, Yannick Bolasie takes a place among the pantheon of short sleeve-and-glove titans.
The Criminal Offenders
The five men above all have redeeming qualities that allow them to pull off what is otherwise a criminal offense.
A player has to be very, very good to sport the short sleeve and glove combo. Those are the rules. They aren't fair, and that's just too bad. Better players can take certain liberties. Everyone else can't.
So stop it, Juan Cuadrado. Same to you, Hulk. Put the gloves away, Alex Song. Try a long sleeve shirt, Gabriel Paulista. Move somewhere warmer, Muhamed Besic. Don't embarrass yourself, Wilfried Zaha. C'mon Bastian Schweinsteiger, German robots don't feel the cold.
Everyone has been warned. Spread the word. Don't do it.