RIP: Eulogizing the World Cup's eliminated teams

We gather to mourn the departed. The World Cup carries on with these teams in our memory. Terrible play, bonus disputes and general trash, we remember the squads that our no longer with us. They will not be missed.

Croatia

They had a goalkeeper that wasn’t interested in stopping shots and a team that, in general, should’ve been better. So she goes, but never forget this: their kits are nice and Luka Modric made a gigantic mistake by cutting his hair. He is unrecognizable. A ghost. A big, big mistake.

Cameroon

Somehow, Samuel Eto’o managed to emerge as the good guy from this mess. With fighting on the field, bonus disputes off it, and generally terrible play, the Indomitable Lions proved you too can be a professional footballer. The key: don’t play well when it counts.

Spain

Old guys can’t keep up with young guys, get obliterated in the opening game and the world smiles.

Australia

The Socceroos punched above their weight, giving Chile and the Netherlands a scare before bowing out meekly. We’ll never get to see Tim Cahill on the world’s biggest stage again. Pour a Fosters out and put another one on the bar-b, Sheila. This is a sad day.

Cote d’Ivoire

The golden generation bow out with nothing but tear-soaked napkins. The Toure brothers dealt with personal tragedy, Didier Drogba dealt with getting old and Wilfried Bony showed glimpses of the future. All is not lost, but this was a great chance. 1000% Elephants is their highlight, the frat bros won.

Japan

Shinji Kagawa did one thing in Brazil and one thing only: prove David Moyes was, in the slightest of ways, a football genius.

Italy

Yes Luis Suarez bit one of their players, but Italy was not good in this tournament did not deserve to get out of their group. Past stars came out to give Mario Balotelli grief, proving there certainly is an I in Italy.

England

One day we’ll figure out if Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard can groove together. One day.

Ecuador

They’ll rue the late collapse against Switzerland, but the Ecuadorians put in a valiant effort in Brazil. Christian Benítez would be proud.

Honduras

CONCACAF’s lone disappointment made sure they will be remembered by engaging in “tactics” a street thug could love. Wilson Palacios wins the annual, Pepe Memorial “what the hell are you doing??” trophy.

Bosnia and Herzegovina

Their first World Cup foray ended in heartbreak. A bad call against Nigeria will be remembered but history was made nonetheless. Led by Edin Dzeko and Miralem Pjanic, the Bosnians will be back.

Iran

The Iranians, led by notorious dictator Ayatollah Khomeini and a band of democracy hating ghouls, managed to hold Lionel Messi off the scoresheet for 90 minutes. That is their World Cup highlight and, compared to others, it’s a pretty damn good one.

Portugal

Cristiano Ronaldo wasn’t the reason Portugal failed to advance to the knockout round. A crew of players that are best described as wet garbage conspired to eliminate Portugal from the tournament. Eder was their best striker off the bench. Eder! What a world.

Ghana

The Black Stars embarrassed themselves in Brazil. Money issues, Sulley Muntari and Kevin-Prince Boateng acting like clowns. It was incredibly disheartening.

Russia

Fabio Capello hates you. That’s the only explanation for his defense first, score later mindset that led to Russia’s early exit in Brazil. Thankfully, we won’t have to see that awful sweater vest in Brazil—or hopefully anywhere—again.

South Korea

The Koreans proved that qualifying for the World Cup doesn’t mean your team is good. In fact, South Korea managed to take the joy out of watching this sport. The Red Devils were converted in Brazil. Saints aren’t fun to watch.