Weird Week in Footy: Crude quips, sex tips, and madness in Italy

Every Tuesday, theScore highlights the most outlandish moments from the wacky, sometimes daft, and perennially entertaining world of football. Here's what made us smile - or cringe - on the pitch this past week.

Messi picks a fight he can't win

Who says international friendlies are friendly? Not Uruguay striker Edinson Cavani, who asked Argentina's Lionel Messi if he wanted to fight during a clash in the heartland of South American football - Israel - last Monday.

Drug deals land former forward in prison

Remember Koke? Not the one who plays for Atletico, or the one who transferred to Schalke and subsequently broke his leg immediately. The other Koke, a fleshy forward who played for Marseille and Aris Thessaloniki.

Well, that Koke was apparently the head of a hashish trafficking network and one of 21 people who were recently arrested by Spanish police as part of a massive drug sting. This column fancies highlighting a variety of post-playing careers, though in no way do we promote this particularly lucrative and wholesome trade.

Shagged in the morning, you're getting shagged in the morning

Now for the latest in the Tottenham telenovela centered around Christian Eriksen and Jan Vertonghen, which speculates about the latter's intimate involvements with the former's missus. The transfer window hasn't even opened yet.

Ireland supporters were in full voice during a Euro 2020 qualifier against Denmark, chanting "Jan Vertonghen, he's shagging your wife" while Eriksen took a corner. John Terry would be proud.

'Wales. Golf. Madrid': The latest chapter

Cheeky Wales supporters who sung "Wales. Golf. Madrid." following the 2-0 win at Azerbaijan can take pride that their efforts were recognized by links lover Gareth Bale and his international mates.

Bale and Co. even celebrated a Euro 2020 qualifying win over Hungary with a Wales flag adorned with the slick saying. Bale's Real Madrid mate Mariano Diaz then followed suit at Los Blancos training. FORE!

Potty-mouth Magpie Saint-Maximin

Newcastle supporters have taken a swift liking to summer signing Allan Saint-Maximin, and it's easy to see why: He runs like a full keg tumbling down a hill, his Twitter account is candid and droll, and he plays in a Gucci headband.

The French winger was on BBC Radio last week chatting all things Magpies, and only endeared himself further to Geordies with the claim, "I don't give a f--- if I don't score, as long as the team wins."

It's impossible not to like this fella.

Real's Vazquez pays toll for getting swole

In-form Real Madrid winger Lucas Vazquez can't catch a break - unless you count his broken toe by way of a dropped dumbbell.

Real's characteristically concise Comunicado Oficial called the injury a fractured distal phalanx in Vazquez's left hallux, which could be worse in comparison to other weight-room mishaps (here's a story about a strongman who dropped a weight on his penis). Who among us?

Late submission for Worst Penalty of 2019

If you missed last weekend's regional Copa Verde clash between Paysandu and Cuiaba in Brazil, Paysandu defender Caique channeled his inner Simone Zaza and did this:

Had the 'keeper going the wrong way.

Madness engulfs Lecce-Cagliari

Lecce welcomed Cagliari on Monday after the Serie A clash was moved due to a waterlogged pitch, and the match did not disappoint. While leading 2-0, Cagliari went down a man late when full-back Fabrizio Cacciatore was shown a red for a hilarious improvised goal-line clearance.

Lecce's Gianluca Lapadula bagged the ensuing penalty, drawing the ire of Cagliari shot-stopper and former Roma flop Robin Olsen, who hoofed the ball into the stands before exchanging headbutts with Lapadula.

Both were sent off, and minutes later, with 19 players left on the pitch, Marco Calderoni scored the equalizer in a frenetic 2-2 draw. Scenes.

Conte's pillow talk

Let's stay put in Serie A, where Antonio Conte went public with some sex secrets he shared with his Inter charges. "During the season, sex should not last long," Conte said as men worldwide breathed a collective sigh of relief at their own shortcomings.

"Preferably with their wife, as it requires less of an extraordinary performance," Conte added before arriving home to sleep on the couch for the foreseeable future.

This seems like a good place to finish.